Cherry? (Ah ha!)
Twas the night before Valentine's Day and throughout the land, women are finalizing details -- all in an effort to please her man!
Speaking of which...
One of my girls put me on to a cool little blog recently -- http://brothersmanlaw.blogspot.com. Last Tuesday's post, in particular, sparked some interesting conversation among me and the homies. The focus was on "Cindy" -- a woman who claims to have the "worst spoiling tendencies" when it comes to her man. How so, you ask? Well, according to last Tuesday's post, Cindy was planning a Valentine's Day surprise for her boo -- a trip to Hawaii, complete with a vacation wardrobe -- ALL ON HER. Cindy says she enjoys knowing that she can splurge on a guy. Cooking, baking and tons of gifts all the time "make her feel good." And the young man who authored this blog suggests that ladies need to listen to Cindy's story and TAKE NOTES.
Well... let me tell you what I've NOTED from Cindy's little story...
Does The Chinese Buffet Cater?
Back in the day, I would drive 25 minutes up 85 to an all you can eat Chinese buffet. I'm talkin' all the fried rice, house lo mein, egg rolls and crab legs I could eat. I knew I couldn't take home a doggy bag (that wasn't allowed)... And, I never thought to ask if the Chinese Buffet people catered. DOES the Chinese buffet cater? If they're anything like Cindy, they do!
In my mind's eye, I see Cindy's dude getting ALL he can eat -- full access to the girl 24/7. He's probably never heard her voice mail. In fact, she picks up on the FIRST RING. Two-three rings just won't do for Cindy's boo. She cooks dinner a few times a week. If they shack up, she probably packs his lunch in the mornings (or leaves his lunch money on the counter) -- after she has picked his outfit, ironed his shirt, creased his drawers... Not only is Cindy providing her sweetheart with all he can eat, Cindy's buffet CATERS. Or, at least that's what she and Destiny's Child might call it:
Let me help you take off your shoes
Untie your shoestrings, take off your cufflinks
What you want to eat boo? Let me feed you...
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more!
Anything you want just let me cater to you...
What A Man Wants...
Now, ladies -- if we're smart, we won't read Cindy's story (or the lyrics of Destiny's Children) and immediately bust out our pens and pads. I'm all about doing nice things for my man (I mean, I've been known to purchase a "just because" gift or two... send grits cross country... and cook a meal in my day). But, if we're smart -- and I know we are -- we WILL NOT (I repeat, WILL NOT) empty our savings accounts to purchase a last minute package to an all-inclusive resort in Hawaii with matching swimsuits. Instead, we'll first figure out if Cindy's philosophy and tactics are REALLY in line with what a man wants. I mean, any caterer will tell you they need to know what the market wants before they can deliver the food!! So, let's see what the fellas want:
[here's where I include the results of my informal survey of single, mid-late twenties, bachelors on "catering"]
1. What does “catering to your man” mean to you?
Bachelor #1 -- To most women, it means do what ever they read, saw on t.v./movies, or what ever they did with their last man to make him happy. Some know that you have to take the time to learn what makes your new man happy. Then, they truly cater.
Bachelor #2 -- She keeps me focused on my focus, know's my likes and dislikes, finds joy in making me happy -- regardless of if it's something that she doesn't like to do. But, because she knows that he likes it, she does it (and I don't mean somthing huge, I mean something like, she hates cooking, but will fry some chicken because she know's he likes it). And, she's smart, because, he'll cater to her as well. Its a two way street.
Bachelor #3 -- I believe catering to your man involves being a support mechanism for him.
2.. If a good man is hard to find… what SHOULD a woman do to keep a good man IF she is lucky enough to find him?
Bachelor #1 -- If a woman is lucky enough to find HER good man, not just a good man (their is a difference), she would not have too do much to keep him. This is because she will know how to honor, respect and submit to her man when needed. Just as he will know how and when to do the same.
Bachelor #2 -- Love when he needs it, space when he needs it, high heels and lingerie while cooking if he likes it...
Bachelor #3 -- If a woman finds a man she deems worthy, she should play a supporting role in his life. This could mean many things, but supporting men is the greatest attribute women have. Supporting your man does not mean you should be subjugated to his commands, or that you cannot have personal goals. It only means learning what his goals are and helping him achieve
them.
Poor Cindy...
Well, it looks like sista-girl Cindy's catering company might soon be out of business because it doesn't offer the full-line of delicacies that its patrons are looking for.
Cindy dear, according to the bachelors surveyed (and the gospel according to me and my girls), a woman has to come with more than pretty garnish (i.e. trips to Honolulu)... nice china (i.e. freshly baked brownies) and fancy napkins (i.e. a new shirt in this spring's hottest color) to ensure successful "catering." A REAL CATERER has a full menu of beverages, appetizers, soups, salads, main courses, deserts, an assortment of teas and coffees, and post-dinner mints. She knows her client's (her man's) taste and she knows exactly which menu options will satisfy his various appetites and needs -- according to his taste on any particular day, in any particular moment. In fact, Cindy's pretty garnish can be likened to the lone cherry on top of the exquisite "love sundae" A REAL CATERER serves her man every day -- one scoop of listening, one scoop of understanding, a scoop of support, special whip creme called "laughter," extra sprinkles of prayer... THE CHERRY IS OPTIONAL.
Be blessed. Be loved. Be remembering 1 Corinthians 13 -- Love never fails. :-)
Twas the night before Valentine's Day and throughout the land, women are finalizing details -- all in an effort to please her man!
Speaking of which...
One of my girls put me on to a cool little blog recently -- http://brothersmanlaw.blogspot.com. Last Tuesday's post, in particular, sparked some interesting conversation among me and the homies. The focus was on "Cindy" -- a woman who claims to have the "worst spoiling tendencies" when it comes to her man. How so, you ask? Well, according to last Tuesday's post, Cindy was planning a Valentine's Day surprise for her boo -- a trip to Hawaii, complete with a vacation wardrobe -- ALL ON HER. Cindy says she enjoys knowing that she can splurge on a guy. Cooking, baking and tons of gifts all the time "make her feel good." And the young man who authored this blog suggests that ladies need to listen to Cindy's story and TAKE NOTES.
Well... let me tell you what I've NOTED from Cindy's little story...
Does The Chinese Buffet Cater?
Back in the day, I would drive 25 minutes up 85 to an all you can eat Chinese buffet. I'm talkin' all the fried rice, house lo mein, egg rolls and crab legs I could eat. I knew I couldn't take home a doggy bag (that wasn't allowed)... And, I never thought to ask if the Chinese Buffet people catered. DOES the Chinese buffet cater? If they're anything like Cindy, they do!
In my mind's eye, I see Cindy's dude getting ALL he can eat -- full access to the girl 24/7. He's probably never heard her voice mail. In fact, she picks up on the FIRST RING. Two-three rings just won't do for Cindy's boo. She cooks dinner a few times a week. If they shack up, she probably packs his lunch in the mornings (or leaves his lunch money on the counter) -- after she has picked his outfit, ironed his shirt, creased his drawers... Not only is Cindy providing her sweetheart with all he can eat, Cindy's buffet CATERS. Or, at least that's what she and Destiny's Child might call it:
Let me help you take off your shoes
Untie your shoestrings, take off your cufflinks
What you want to eat boo? Let me feed you...
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more!
Anything you want just let me cater to you...
What A Man Wants...
Now, ladies -- if we're smart, we won't read Cindy's story (or the lyrics of Destiny's Children) and immediately bust out our pens and pads. I'm all about doing nice things for my man (I mean, I've been known to purchase a "just because" gift or two... send grits cross country... and cook a meal in my day). But, if we're smart -- and I know we are -- we WILL NOT (I repeat, WILL NOT) empty our savings accounts to purchase a last minute package to an all-inclusive resort in Hawaii with matching swimsuits. Instead, we'll first figure out if Cindy's philosophy and tactics are REALLY in line with what a man wants. I mean, any caterer will tell you they need to know what the market wants before they can deliver the food!! So, let's see what the fellas want:
[here's where I include the results of my informal survey of single, mid-late twenties, bachelors on "catering"]
1. What does “catering to your man” mean to you?
Bachelor #1 -- To most women, it means do what ever they read, saw on t.v./movies, or what ever they did with their last man to make him happy. Some know that you have to take the time to learn what makes your new man happy. Then, they truly cater.
Bachelor #2 -- She keeps me focused on my focus, know's my likes and dislikes, finds joy in making me happy -- regardless of if it's something that she doesn't like to do. But, because she knows that he likes it, she does it (and I don't mean somthing huge, I mean something like, she hates cooking, but will fry some chicken because she know's he likes it). And, she's smart, because, he'll cater to her as well. Its a two way street.
Bachelor #3 -- I believe catering to your man involves being a support mechanism for him.
2.. If a good man is hard to find… what SHOULD a woman do to keep a good man IF she is lucky enough to find him?
Bachelor #1 -- If a woman is lucky enough to find HER good man, not just a good man (their is a difference), she would not have too do much to keep him. This is because she will know how to honor, respect and submit to her man when needed. Just as he will know how and when to do the same.
Bachelor #2 -- Love when he needs it, space when he needs it, high heels and lingerie while cooking if he likes it...
Bachelor #3 -- If a woman finds a man she deems worthy, she should play a supporting role in his life. This could mean many things, but supporting men is the greatest attribute women have. Supporting your man does not mean you should be subjugated to his commands, or that you cannot have personal goals. It only means learning what his goals are and helping him achieve
them.
Poor Cindy...
Well, it looks like sista-girl Cindy's catering company might soon be out of business because it doesn't offer the full-line of delicacies that its patrons are looking for.
Cindy dear, according to the bachelors surveyed (and the gospel according to me and my girls), a woman has to come with more than pretty garnish (i.e. trips to Honolulu)... nice china (i.e. freshly baked brownies) and fancy napkins (i.e. a new shirt in this spring's hottest color) to ensure successful "catering." A REAL CATERER has a full menu of beverages, appetizers, soups, salads, main courses, deserts, an assortment of teas and coffees, and post-dinner mints. She knows her client's (her man's) taste and she knows exactly which menu options will satisfy his various appetites and needs -- according to his taste on any particular day, in any particular moment. In fact, Cindy's pretty garnish can be likened to the lone cherry on top of the exquisite "love sundae" A REAL CATERER serves her man every day -- one scoop of listening, one scoop of understanding, a scoop of support, special whip creme called "laughter," extra sprinkles of prayer... THE CHERRY IS OPTIONAL.
Be blessed. Be loved. Be remembering 1 Corinthians 13 -- Love never fails. :-)
22 comments:
I think Cindy is doing just all right. Doing better than most woman that I've dated.I just hope she is not emptying her savings account.
yeah, "just all right" would be an accurate statement. imho... miss cindy might need to take a holistic look at what "catering to her man" REALLY means. like i said... the material things that she does are the (optional)cherry on top. again, just in my humble opinion... :-)
Dee, you hit the nail on the head with this one. What women need to realize is that they have a well-balanced meal before getting to the dessert. Don't spoil his appetite by giving so much that you have nothing for leftovers...
Here is my perspective on the questions you asked the fellas:
1. What does “catering to your man” mean to you? If I am in a committed relationship with someone I would not think twice about catering to him. I would lift him up and become a supportive force for him through the good times and the bad times. I would lift him up in prayer (openly and silently), be a good listener without imposing judgement, while trying to always speak the truth in love (good and bad). I would take the time to get to know him and his needs and try to do those things that make him feel special to the point that he does not have to doubt how I feel about him. I think it takes time to get to this level of catering to anyone. I try to cater to my friends, so if this man is my "friend" I wouldn't have any reservations about showing him this type of treatment.
2. When a woman says “I’m good to my man” – what do you assume she means? What kinds of things does she do? I think that when most women say that they are "good" to their man they are mostly talking about the things that they do and give (i.e. sex, favors, errands, gifts, bill money, etc). Being good to someone should not mean that you sacrifice your money, body and/or self-respect to be with them. Sometimes the best way you can be "good" to someone is having a listening ear, a kind word, positive outlook or a non-judgemental, objective point of view. Essentially, a simple, "You Go Boy" would seem to go a lot further than most "good" deeds. There is nothing wrong with doing those other things. They are IMPORTANT in a relationship. I feel that people should make sure that those good gestures are things that you would do for ANY FRIEND you care about and not done to keep someone or out of fear of losing someone.
3. If a good man is hard to find… what SHOULD a woman do to keep a good man IF she is lucky enough to find him? FIRST, ask God to make sure he is someone worthy of keeping. SECOND,if he is sent to you from God, treat him like any other gift from God ... thank God for him, love him as you love God and love yourself ... everything else will fall into place.
Chinnette
uh oh, now.... "nothing for leftovers" -- that might preach, china!!! :-) let's just continue to pray cindy's strength in the Lord (and advise her to clean up her myspace page). LOL!!! xoxo! :-)
Uhhhhhhhh, Sis. Dee. I happen to like that song. Shoot, find me a woman to put my doo-rag on every night and you got a winner. LOL. Okay, okay for real, for real.
I don't necessarily think that women should take note of or emulate Cindy's story. One of the most fatalistic things that men and women do alike is miscommunication through various "love languages". Of course, Cindy showered her man with gifts, but there are guys out there who are not into gifts (like me). Their love language might be words of affirmation (i.e. a quick "you go boy" at a basketball game or a "you are the man" after doing something for your significant other) or acts of service (i.e. sewing a button that popped off a shirt). Those things may speak to him more than a trip to Hawaii.
I wonder if Cindy is giving all those gifts because that's her love language (gifts) and would like him to speak her language to her. Many times, the love language we have not experienced in our pasts (e.g. a man who was received little words of affirmation) are things that we desire and need in a relationship. Not trying to blog on your blog, but we all should learn the love language of those we are in relationships with and learn to "speak" that language.
These ideas come from a book from Dr. Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages" that is a good read for everyone and will save a lot of lost time in relationships.
Holla back,
B.P.
um... what in the world are you doing listening to destiny's children, b.p.!?!? :-)
as always... good insight. you just made me think about my "love language" -- can't say i've ever thought about male/female communication in those terms. maybe i'll check dr. chapman out. good to see that you give CERTAIN PEOPLE proper attribution. :-)
wow, I'm being attacked on both blogs because I bought a package for my man? You want to know the whole story? I've been with him for 2 years. I do not allow him to step all over me but he has earned it. AND I bought him that package because he bought me a package to see my friend of 18 years in Japan for April.
Yes, I model and I dance, but I have a full time job too. Please don't go into bashing my myspace page. Just let this topic go. Everyone is entitled to do their own thing if they so choose.
I didn't pull anyone's arm to write about me. He happened to email me and ask me what was new and i told him about the trip i booked for my boyfriend. It is not my fault he turned it into a blog. please just end this story now.
cindy -- like i said in the preface that i posted to your friend's blog (and mentioned in the piece that you just read)... i CERTAINLY am not knocking your actions because i understand that the post which sparked all of this "debate" did not look at your relationship with your dude holistically. and... more importantly, I AM ALL ABOUT giving my dude his "cherry on top" (whether that's cooking dinner... or shipping a country brother a box of grits 'cause he can't find any in his new locale). i would ask some recipients of my "kind, cherry on top gestures" to STAND UP, but that would be TMI for my blog.... :-)
anywhoo... as i'm sure you read, my blog is all about ONE silly, single woman's perspective on life, LOVE and everything in between (in other words, it's about my HUMBLE OPINION). so, when my girls pointed me to your friend's original post and asked me to write about it, i did.
my point: there was no "attack" involved -- and no further explanation of your relationship (or gift-giving) was necessary... just my and a few brothers' opinions on an interesting topic that came right in time for valentine's day. plain and simple.
as men and women around the world put the finishing touches on their plans to SHOW love tomorrow, perhaps my perspective -- and yours (and anyone else who chooses to comment) -- will come in handy.
enjoy hawaii and be blessed! :-)
by the way.... PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to all uhoh-hehe-ahha readers... i didn't mean to offend cindy and i can understand her frustration, but... um...
I'M THE BOSS ON THIS HERE BLOG!! :-) which means that, unfortunately, cindy can't "end the story" (sorry, girl!) in fact, I WELCOME your comments on this topic.... cherries on top... and the ways YOU chose to express love in general. who knows, somebody might get a cool little "ah ha" from this discussion and grow in the long-run...
be blessed, good people. and remember john 3:16 tomorrow and always. THAT'S the kind of LOVE i'm talkin' about!!! :-)
this has been a public service announcement. we now return to your regularly scheduled program. LOL!
See, this right here is a prime example of what happens when folk come in mid-conversation and then chime in: you end up half-assed and not knowing which cheek is which.
For the record, I originally wrote the infamous "Cindy post" on my blog. She happens to be a friend of mine.
Couple of things by way of context that y'all seemed to have missed here (how, I dunno; if you can read well, seems like you would have gotten this):
1) Cindy wasn't being held out as an example to anybody who didn't want her as one. It was, to play on your catchprase, one single man's story... about a friend of his.
2) If you don't get down like that, cool. Every woman don't do in her house what the next does. What I don't get is the need so many of you feel to dissect, criticize and generally come down on waht one woman chooses of her own free will to do for her own man.
3) I said it once and I'll say it a trillion times over: funny thing about the comments to my original post is the only people who seemed to have a problem with Cindy and the things she does for her man -- black women. Call me what you will for saying it, but the bigass elephant is in the room. I've showed that same post to men and women of all ethnicities, but when sistas got hold of a story about a chic actually *gasp* doing something for her man, aw lawd! I'm thinking instead of checking for Cindy's catering to close, some of the critics might wanna clean up their own houses first.
4)The assumptions people jump to just to make a point or to criticize someone else are staggering. What makes anybody think that she needed to clean out her bank account to go to Hawaii? Last time I checked, that was a cheap flight from San Diego, where they live. But then I guess maybe if YOU don't have it to do, you might assume other people had to clean out their bank accounts, too.
Love languages? Cherries on top? Leftovers? Get real! This ain't Dr. Phil, y'all. Ain't a woman in here can say she's never gone all out for a man -- and truth be told half of you probably have done so for a dude who didn't "deserve" it from jump. What's with the holier than thou?
Pimpgod's son ... c'mon do you need a hug this morning?
It is very clear that d-e-i-s-h-a's "Cherry on Top" blog is in NO way a personal attack on Cindy or any woman who caters to her man. I would advise it.
Cindy's treatment of her man merely sparked conversations among us BLACK WOMEN about how A LOT of women (clearly not Cindy), suffer from "Pick Me" Syndrome.
Remember in grade school when your friends would hop around, skip and dance so they would get picked for the kickball team. Then what happened? The team captain would pick whoever he or she wanted! Now Pimpgodson, you know as well as I do (just like any other man) that "Pick Me" chicks DON'T get picked in the end.
High-five to Cindy's Man for being a good man!
To the "Pick Me" Chicks, "Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10. If you're a ruby, just sit there and shine :-)
D-e-i-s-h-a, thanks for writing this here blog. It Sparked some good discussions! Let's keep it going.
Ima continya to pray your strenph in da lawd! ;-) LOL!
I agree with Chinnette. "Pimp" OBVIOUSLY missed the message.
Again, KUDOS to Cindy for reciprocating what her man already does for her. This blog is clearly NOT a lesson in hate from BLACK women, but simply an addendum on how we can better strengthen our relationships.
I have a couple of issues with "Pimp's" original blog in the first place. While he conveniently failed to include that "Cindy" had been with her man for two years, and is in a relationship that is about giving as well as receiving, he had no problem mentioning and glorifying all of the things she was doing for him.
Would those two little facts have made a difference in the turn that this conversation has taken? MOST DEFINITELY!
In my opinion, you are DANG-ON right I am not about to be doing all that stuff for some dude who has not proven that he is worthy of my "catering." Why should I give and give to someone who is just taking ... that is not an option.
In my opinion, "Pimp" intentionally skewed the story just so he could make his point about "angry black women being haters."
Sorry "Pimp," that ploy didn't work. We are still confident, SUPPORTIVE, nurturing and understanding women who love the men that know how to receive, respect, and acknowledge the gifts we are willing to share (ABOVE and beyond the superficial stuff) … as women PERIOD.
Keep on writing Dee ... and thanks for offering a different perspective on this topic. I, too, will continue to pray your strenph in the Lord.
where to begin, where to begin, pimpgod’sson (whom I will refer to as P) you stated the following in your original post, which cindy must have quoted (since you decided to put it in quotes):
"I learn from my mother, that's how she keeps my dad in love with her
after 34 years. Many women think that they're the ones that need to be spoiled, but men need affection too. A bj and stuff in the bedroom can only do so much. Plus, my bf is helpless in the kitchen. I just also happen to love cooking and baking, it calms me down. It also makes it easier when I am with a high maintenance guy who loves expensive clothes, jewelry, cologne, and the occasional getaways. Whenever I go
out with my girls shopping, I always find something for HIM as well. So for valentine's day, I'm surprising him with a trip to Hawaii, a package to an all inclusive resort, and some clothes for the vacation."
--this comment disturbs me on so many levels, I didn’t realize that you had to buy gifts and cook for a man for him to be in love with you…yes, let me get my notebook note. Note to self-the more money I spend on my man, the more he will love me-got it. this is a path of destruction for any relationship, relationships built on this never last, well they do, however the people continuously cheat on each other. The basis of any long, loving relationship is true friendship, being able to talk to that person about anything and being that support system for them. This is why so many women are single today; many can afford to do for themselves and the people that they are dating with no problem, but who wants to do that, who wants to buy someone’s love? Clearly this is a pattern that you are used to and will obviously continue, but I do caution you: looks fade (I add this since you made it a point to note you model in this comment section), money can as well…try building a relationship on something other than gifts/spoiling men, only then will you experience the true meaning of being in love…..
"But it did give me a lot of questions, though. Women my age and younger, at least many of those I've met, ain't exactly what I'd call the "cater to my man" set, regardless of what Beyonce sings about. If they are, it's usually attached to some condition or another, as in 'he's got to prove himself before he deserves, x, y, or z', or 'he's got to be great in bed to deserve breakfast'. Rarely have I heard a woman speak of wanting to spoil a man because of how it made her feel."
---- P, I have news for you, there are many women out there -- black, white, latina, whatever – that do things for others selflessly and the fact that you had to state most women feel a man has got to prove themselves before they deserve means one of two things: you either need to seriously check the way you treat women if this is all you are able to pull, or two, stop trying to find someone that will spoil you and learn to do for yourself.
Catering to someone is definitely defined differently by all, but I happen to agree with Deisha:
A REAL CATERER serves her man every day -- one scoop of listening, one scoop of understanding, a scoop of support, special whip creme called "laughter," extra sprinkles of prayer... THE CHERRY IS OPTIONAL.
i just have to add a couple things in response to pimpgod'sson -- since i REALLY don't understand the hostility of which his comment reeks...
the wonderful thing about the blogesphere is that it enables folks to freely write and comment on whatever topic they so choose --love languages, cherries on top, leftovers and all. i just ask that the folks who comment on my blog follow my lead, and do so in a RESPECTFUL manner. all the cussin' and insulting is pretty much OUT OF ORDER. why? because i believe that the power of life and death lie in the tongue (or fingers if you happen to be TYPING your thoughts). THIS BLOG IS INTENDED TO ENCOURAGE, not discourage, dude. and... nothing about THAT thought -- or any other thought that i express here equates being "holier than thou."
like i said in the preface that i posted to YOUR blog (which indicates that i DID READ IT) and in my response to your friend cindy, i CERTAINLY am not knocking her actions because i understand that your post did not look at cindy's relationship with her dude holistically. so, the details around cindy's location and bank account weren't necessary.
i've said it once and i'll say it a trillion times... there was no "attack" involved in my original post -- i'm a lover, not a fighter. :-) it was, HOWEVER, my and a few brothers' opinions on an interesting topic that came right in time for valentine's day. plain and simple.
and.. from the looks of things, pimpgod'sson and D-E-I-S-H-A have done an EXCELLENT job of encouraging folks to take a look at the ways they display love. valentine's day mission accomplished.
now, let's play (and comment) nice, good people because... it ain't THAT serious. geez...
ps -- thanks to all of those who have promised to pray my strenph in the Lord. now, if y'all could get your pastors to add my name to the "sick and shut in" list i would be ever so grateful...
*sings*
pleassee, be patient with me!! God is not through with me yet!!!
amen? AMEN! :-)
It's funny that so many people have comments about what should or should not happen.
I wonder how many people who are giving Cindy a hard time are in a relationship...hmmmm
Pimp God's Son (hereinafter "P"),
I wanted to address a few of your comments sequentially to express my slight discomfort with what you said.
1. "Couple of things by way of context that y'all seemed to have missed here...how, I dunno; if you can read well..."
P, I don't believe that there was a problem with reading your blog contextually. I am quite sure that many of Dee's readers can "read well", as I know many to be accomplished individuals with great educations (shout out to my AUC folks). And I'm sure many of us took the time to read your blog.
In fact, Dee included a link to your blog to give us all context on your piece on Cindy. Her blog and resulting discussion were more content based in my opinion. She created a forum for everyone to discuss their opinions on the content of both writer's perspectives, whether the single male or the single female.
2. "Cindy wasn't being held out as an example to anybody who didn't want her as one."
I wanted to comment on Dee's blog about Cindy because, contrary to what you say, it does seem like you held Ms. Cindy out as a "role model" for women (as suggested by your title "to be so lucky..." and your final line "Ladies, get them notebooks out"). As a black male, I wanted to give my own perspective on the "catering" issue. Dr. Phil or not, it is another perspective from someone with a different take on the subject. Taking notes on Cindy's method doesn't necessarily mean it will work in everyone's respective situation.
3. "But then I guess maybe if YOU don't have it to do (i.e. the money to afford a trip to Hawaii), you might assume other people had to clean out their bank accounts, too."
P, the monetary amount was not important to me. I live on the west coast, so I know that a trip to Hawaii is relatively inexpensive. I just commented about the trip (and gifts generally) because I didn't want people to think that gifts were what every man/woman wanted and that Cindy's case was very specific.
4. "What's with the holier than thou?"
First, shout out to my King James folks for the "holier than thou" reference. :) Now, I am not sure how the reader's comments and Dee's comments were holier than thou. You have to keep in mind that people speak from their experiences. What's wrong with someone bringing their moral convictions into a forum of free thought? You, as a journalist, should know freedom of expression more than anyone else. There are plenty of women I know who have not "gone all out" for a man who didn't deserve it "from the jump." Like I said, we all speak from our experience. People's opinions, while driven by moral convictions, should not be seen as "holier than thou" statements. Rather, they are expressions of their "context"ual life experiences and should be respected as such.
From one "professional" brother to another,
jc for JC
Wellll, I'll be.......Who knew a blog could be soooo provocative! I don't see anything wrong with Cindy buying her man a trip to Hawaii and clothes to go along with it (BY THE WAY, I AM A BLACK WOMAN....), but on the flip side there definitely is more to making a relationship work. I never read the original blog, so I don't know what it said, and to be quite honest, right now I don't really care (no disrespect).
I think in the wholistic view of a relationship (which is really what Dee's blog is about, although she used a part of Cindy's relationship to make her point), there is more that you need in a relationship. Just like there are more important things in our individual lives than the material, in a relationship it's quite the same. Having possessions doesn't make you happy. It might make it easier, but it doesn't necessarily make you happy. In the same way, having someone clean up after you, cook for you, CATER to you might make it easier, but it doesn't necessarily make you happy. And for women, having a man buy you whatever you want at the drop of a dime might not make you happy. Okay, it might provide temporary satisfaction, but it's the other things that are more important - like time, respect, honesty, fidelity, etc.
I think there are some people who are so ready to jump on the defense, that they aren't seeing the whole picture (of either side).
On this Valentines Day, WHERE IS THE LOVE??????
:-)
Love ya Dee and may you all feel the love today (if not everyday).
janaye!!! thanks for coming by and adding your 2 cents on this BEAUTIFUL VALENTINE'S DAY, honey!! :-)
NO WORRIES -- you know i AM FEELIN THE LOVE today and EVERY DAY!! need i remind you (again) of 1 corinthians 13?? "love is patient, love is kind... it is not rude, it it is not easily angered...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS." AND, don't make me remind you of john 3:16 AGAIN. there's NO GREATER LOVE than that!! please note: that's not "holier than thou" - that's just REAL TALK.
i truly appreciate your comment because it gets to the heart of my blog -- it's intended to be a vessel for love, laughter and growth (hence the uhoh-hehe-ahha in the url) -- nothing more, nothing less... so, thanks for dropping some PEACE and LOVE on the people. 'PRECIATE CHA!!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, girl! :-)
I'm not trying to be bold on someone else's blog, but...
I also am wondering if those that are commenting so harshly have men in their lives.
Cindy has been with this man for 2 years, which means he has earned her respect and affection.
I've been with my man for almost 5 years, and a couple years ago, I took him to Hawaii on my dime for his birthday.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You are not trying to gain love thru money -- although, I'm sure if I said my man took me to Hawaii all ya'll would be whoopin' and hollerin about how much he LOVED me -- you are just trying to be thoughtful and loving.
What's wrong with buying him gifts just because?
What's wrong with taking your man on a trip as a surprise?
The problem with black women is that we're so worried about our hardcore independent image that we lose our idea of how to love a man. We;re so busy trying to live up to an ideal, a song, or a concept that we don't know how to keep it real.
The real is that gestures, both monetary and otherwise, are fuel for a relationship. If you trust, love and respect the person you are with, what is so wrong with taking them to Hawaii?
It's not like she took a man she'd been dating a month to Hawaii. She took a guy she had been dating two years.
Anyway, Cindy, you have the right idea. Can't nobody else tell you the appropriate way to love YOUR MAN.
your "boldness" and two cents are welcome over here, j! thanks for stopping by... and be blessed, girl! :-)
wow. this really sparked a debate.
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